30 lengths in his name

Yesterday would have been my big brothers 31st birthday.
 
I find his birthdays harder than the anniversaries of his death because they feels more laden with ‘what might have beens’.
 
It’s painful to think about what he might be doing on his birthday if things were different.
 
On past anniversaries I’ve felt a pressure to do something in particular.
 
I’ve wondered ‘should I be doing this or that', 'what will people expect me to be doing.'
 
But to be honest it’s all felt a bit much.
 
Now I can see that I honour him every day; in the way I live my life, the changes that i've made since his death. 
 
Every day of my life is a tribute to him. 
 
People grieve in different ways.
 
Visiting a grave may provide a comfort; it may feel like the right thing to do.
 
For others this wont be the case.
 
A weed-covered grave isn’t a sign of an unloved person.
 
Yesterday, I decided to honour my big brothers birthday by dedicating 30 laps of London Fields Lido to him. 
 
I think he’d have liked that.
 
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
 
No wrong or right thing to do on an anniversary.
 
Everyone is different.
 
The way we honour the ones that we’ve loved and lost will be different.
 
All we can do is take each day as it comes, meet it with what we have and do what feels right.