the long game

I originally wrote something about there being no rush.
 
Then I came back to edit it this morning and the truth is, I feel rushed. 
 
All the things I have to do today are swirling around in my mind.
 
All the places I have to be.
 
It didn’t feel authentic to write about all the reasons why I don’t think there is any need to rush when that’s not what I’m feeling.
 
Then it occurred to me, we can believe something from a really deep place but not always feel it.
 
I have this with lots of things.
 
I believe in rest.
 
Do I still feel like people will think I’m lazy if they knew how often I lied down in the middle of the day?

Yes.
 
I believe in myself.
 
Am I still regularly crippled by doubt?

Yes.
 
I trust that I am exactly where I’m meant to be.
 
Do I ever feel a pressure to be more, do more have more?

Most definitely.
 
I think marrying up my day-to-day knowing with my deepest truth may be my life’s work, my dharma. 
 
It’s a long game.
 
It’s a tortoise over a hare situation.
 
It will take time.
 
It will take work, courage, trust.
 
There’s a lot of shedding, chipping, breaking down.
 
A tonne of wriggling out of the shackles of what I perceive other people’s expectations, standards, and beliefs to be.
 
A lot of easing my way out of the clutches I have encased myself in.
 
We’re really in a battle to stay close to our truths, to raise the voice of our intuition, what we know to be right for us.

There are so many distractions, so many opponents. 
 
Shoulds are a big one.
 
You should do this, you should do that, you should be here.
 
(deep breath out).
 
Today I feel rushed and at the same time I believe there is no rush, to be, to have, to do.
 
This deep knowing, in my gut, in my heart, this is what I will keep retreating back to, to reassure, to guide, to remind myself of how I want to be and what I know to be true.

Even when I don't feel it, especially when I don't feel it.